The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Docter's Charts
Discharge status: alive but without permission
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me.
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
She is numb from her toes down
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me.
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
She is numb from her toes down
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
Court bloopers
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death
And by whose death was it terminates?
---------------------------
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
-------------------------
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, inmost cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
-------------------------------
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
-----------------------------
Do you recognize that picture?
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
----------------------------------
So you were gone until you returned?
--------------------------------------
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
--------------------------------------------
You didn’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------
Were you alone or by yourself?
--------------------------------------------
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
-------------------------------------------
How long have you been a French Canadian?
----------------------------------------
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
----------------------------------------
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
----------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.
------------------------------------------------------
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
-------------------------------------
Did he kill you?
NO.
----------------------------------------------
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present informtion and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------------------------------------------
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
-------------------------------------
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral ok?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral
-------------------------------
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
----------------------------------
Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
---------------------------------
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
--------------------------------------
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill him – and she did!
---------------------------------------------
...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.
------------------------------------
And was that the same nose you broke as a child?
--------------------------------
Ms, were you cited in the accident?
Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
---------------------------------
What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Borofkin
What’s his first name?
I can’t remember
He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for gosh sake, tell them your first name!
----------------------------------
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
By death
And by whose death was it terminates?
---------------------------
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
-------------------------
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, inmost cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
-------------------------------
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
-----------------------------
Do you recognize that picture?
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
----------------------------------
So you were gone until you returned?
--------------------------------------
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
--------------------------------------------
You didn’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------
Were you alone or by yourself?
--------------------------------------------
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
-------------------------------------------
How long have you been a French Canadian?
----------------------------------------
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
----------------------------------------
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
----------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.
------------------------------------------------------
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
-------------------------------------
Did he kill you?
NO.
----------------------------------------------
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present informtion and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------------------------------------------
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
-------------------------------------
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral ok?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral
-------------------------------
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
----------------------------------
Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
---------------------------------
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
--------------------------------------
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill him – and she did!
---------------------------------------------
...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.
------------------------------------
And was that the same nose you broke as a child?
--------------------------------
Ms, were you cited in the accident?
Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
---------------------------------
What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Borofkin
What’s his first name?
I can’t remember
He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for gosh sake, tell them your first name!
----------------------------------
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Headline Blunders
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Iraqi head seeks arms
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
Killer sentenced to die for the second time in ten yoars
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a awhile
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Actor sent to jail for not finishing sentence
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Child’s stool great for use in garden
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Include your children when baking cookies
Drunks get five years in violin case
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Stolen painting found by tree
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Couple slain; police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Crack found on Governor’s daughter
Red tape holds up new bridges
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Iraqi head seeks arms
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
Killer sentenced to die for the second time in ten yoars
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a awhile
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Actor sent to jail for not finishing sentence
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Child’s stool great for use in garden
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Include your children when baking cookies
Drunks get five years in violin case
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Stolen painting found by tree
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Couple slain; police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Crack found on Governor’s daughter
Red tape holds up new bridges
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Three Little Pigs
One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S***! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
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