Famous, Funny Quotes

Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane.


Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.' -Alfred Hitchcock
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Roseanna Barr

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people...that's why I don't like any of them.