Letters to Landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
Will you please send someone over to mend our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Letters to government agencies
Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
For Laughs
Military
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. –Gen. Douglas MacArthur
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. –Napoleon Bonaparte
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. –Groucho Marx
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Alcohol
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Family
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. –Gen. Douglas MacArthur
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. –Napoleon Bonaparte
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. –Groucho Marx
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Alcohol
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Family
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
Misc. Famous People "Idiots"
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, former vice president
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” –Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Philly’s Manager
“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” –A congressional candidate in Texas
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” –Dan Quayle
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” –Britney Spears
“They’re wonderful. Which one’s your mom?” –Robin Williams after a celebrity showed him a picture of his parents
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” –Greg Norman
“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” – Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” –Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Philly’s Manager
“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” –A congressional candidate in Texas
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” –Dan Quayle
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” –Britney Spears
“They’re wonderful. Which one’s your mom?” –Robin Williams after a celebrity showed him a picture of his parents
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” –Greg Norman
“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” – Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
Jerry Seinfeld and Others
Now I realize how ugly I am. (after laser eye surgery) – Adam Sandler
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Steve Martin
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. –Steve Martin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln
God heals and the doctor takes the fee. –Benjamin Franklin
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. –Benjamin Franklin
----------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Steve Martin
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. –Steve Martin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln
God heals and the doctor takes the fee. –Benjamin Franklin
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. –Benjamin Franklin
----------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Bush's Mistakes
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”
“But Iraq has-have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
““...it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”
“I aim to be a competitive nation.”
“People don’t need to worry about security. This deal wouldn’t go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America.”
“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”
“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.”
“...the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”
“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”
“But Iraq has-have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
““...it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”
“I aim to be a competitive nation.”
“People don’t need to worry about security. This deal wouldn’t go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America.”
“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”
“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.”
“...the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”
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