Jerry Seinfeld and Others

Now I realize how ugly I am. (after laser eye surgery) – Adam Sandler

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Steve Martin

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. –Steve Martin

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln

God heals and the doctor takes the fee. –Benjamin Franklin

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. –Benjamin Franklin
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Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.